The process of vulnerability

Lets have a cuppa and a chat. Last week I made a big decision to post that I am going through a difficult time. I was spurred on by a conversation that had shown up that morning at networking about the masks we wear and, how we as humans find it so difficult to share our vulnerability. I have also been deeply moved by the honest posts of one our members Sandy Golder, who publicly shares her struggles with her health and parenting a child on the autism spectrum. Sandy is raw and yet eloquent. Always educating and letting people know where she is at.
I aim to stay in my heart and yet often my head rules. A classic overthinker, I didn’t know whether to share the post or not, editing myself, worrying about judgment and then ultimately negative feedback. I decided to check my reasons for posting. I wanted to say that I am going through stuff too, that all of us are going through stuff and at any given moment have varying degrees of intensity. I wanted to make the point that we all wear a mask and that sometimes were summoning every bit of chutzpah we have in our inner arsenal to hold it together. I wanted to put my hand up and say ‘me too’ and underneath that I also wanted people to know to be a bit gentle with me right now.
I was overwhelmed by lovely comments and advice, and my phone rang or pinged on various message apps all night, In fact, its Sunday and its been going all day with people checking in five days later. I have sat very quietly this weekend with the gratitude and love I have felt. We all know the phrase that we ‘reap what we sow’, but its often used in a negative context, and I humbly realised that perhaps the energy and love that I put out into the world was returning to me in a time of need.
Some of you know whats happening, and in time I will share more openly. In a brief summary, a life-changing event is unfolding in my family. It was not instigated by me and I was excluded and kept in the dark for the decisions and life changes that have been made that will affect us all. It has challenged everything I thought I knew about my family and the relationships I thought we shared have been smashed apart. I want to protect my family and in particular, my daughter who has taken it all very badly as we, as a family try to navigate how that shows up in a teenager on the autism spectrum.
I have discovered through the help of some of our beautiful community that I am experiencing ‘anticipatory grief’ that it really is a thing. Thank you Lisa Finn-Powell, your words brought me some peace and clarity.
Here are some of my processes;
1. My biggest challenge in this experience is that its ‘triggered’ all my stuff – negative emotions and bad memories. Learning lessons is something I am focussed on all the time, and I aim to live my life each day in the space of ‘love or above’ but these past few weeks have been next level. I’m finding it difficult to get to my loving neutral place. I’m working on being patient with myself as I move toward there and let go of old emotions and patterns, but it feels painstakingly slow.
2. I have discovered that my process, and what is happening with me is mine alone. I shared with think that my family issue I am going through was a very big thing. For them.
I’m working on honouring my experience and not passing judgement. This has proved hard when I have had a family member invalidate my emotions, by telling me I am over-reacting etc. Basically, for anyone, this is happening to in their lives ( I hope its happening to nobody), its simply your experience and all that matters is what you feel and how you respond to what shows up for you.
3. I have discovered that the ‘inner work’ that I thought I had done on old beliefs is not finished and there is still more to shed or move through. I recognise that I need to put up my hand for help and I give myself permission to get assistance.
4. As someone shared on my facebook post. Sharing your feelings or taking your mask down is not something to be done with everyone, which I found out this week when I had someone who couldn’t exit faster LOL.

I still have my sense of humour, I’m learning to go with leaking eyes at any given moment, and I will heal when I heal.